For those who have followed my blog, you may know that I hate the Pro Bowl. It’s a great idea in theory, but there is so much risk involved for a pointless game that it really defeats the purpose. Just ask Bengals tight end Tyler Eifert, who hasn’t been the same since he injured his hip at the Pro Bowl a couple years ago. Plus, to try and protect players, they’ve neutered the rules so much that they’ve taken out some of the more exciting elements of football, such as blitzes and complex schemes (at least, they’re exciting to ME, that is). I’ve literally seen a Pro Bowl where the players went a couple of plays as if it were their walkthroughs. It’s bad. It’s not even in Hawaii this year, which takes away a lot of the incentive to actually attend the game for these players. So let’s take a look at a few things that are more enjoyable for me than this awful game.
1. WWE’s Royal Rumble
This one’s not really a joke, I genuinely love this event, and it’ll be on at the same time as the Pro Bowl so automatically you’ll get better TV, provided you’re willing to shell out the money for this Pay Per View. Nobody illegally streams anyway, that’s definitely not the better route to go.
2. My Own Birth
At least with this I’ll get to watch and see for myself if I came into the world exactly how my mom says I did: ass first.
3. 2 Girls 1 Cup
I don’t feel human emotions when I watch the Pro Bowl. I did feel the very real human emotion of disgust the one time I watched this.
4. Jar Jar Binks
I’ve seen the theories that he’s actually a Sith lord. It’s not as farfetched as you might think. In fact, it could’ve been that Jar Jar was going to be an inverse of Yoda, someone who appears to be “goofy” at first but it’s just an act. Unfortunately for the Star Wars prequels, it was executed SO poorly.
5. Any “Vine Star’s” Youtube Channel
Except maybe that Retro Spectro guy. Other than that, guys like Logan and Jake Paul deserve my eyes more than the Pro Bowl does, and that’s saying a lot considering the heat Logan’s (deservedly) going through.
6. People Arguing About Politics
Like I said at #3, I don’t feel human emotions when I watch the Pro Bowl. I feel anger when I watch people argue about politics. Nobody respects anyones opinion anymore, they just try to talk over each other and be the loudest in the room.
7. People Getting “Triggered” Over the Slightest Thing
It’s one thing if you had a genuinely traumatic experience. But if somebody makes a joke about being OCD and you get offended by it, go fuck yourself. It’s probably not nearly as offensive as the Pro Bowl.
8. This MLB Offseason
At least I’ll be able to get some things done while nothing happens in baseball.
9. Sportscenter the 6
God that show makes me cringe sometimes.
10. People Bitching about the new Star Wars Movies
They’re good movies. Unfortunately in this day and age, if there’s a single flaw with these movies, that makes them bad in the eyes of the “fans.”
11. People Bitching about the Game of Thrones Scenes that don’t Coincide with the Books
We get it, you read the books. I read them too. There’s some stuff in the books that sucks too, get your nose out of the sky.
12. Amy Schumer stand-up
This one might be a little harsh, I’m sorry Pro Bowl, that was a low blow.
13. The First Few Episodes of Friends
I love the Friends series. But my God the first few episodes are painfully unfunny. Once the story gets going, though, the humor really picks up.
14. The How I Met Your Mother Ending
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more betrayed by a series finale. Luckily, if you skip the last episode, you actually do have some solid closure since you basically know everything that happened by that point.
15. People Who Debate LeBron James vs Michael Jordan
This is mainly due to how over-saturated the argument has become. It’s really obnoxious and I’d rather wait until LeBron’s career is over before I really get involved with the debate.
16. ‘Let’s Play’ Videos
The only time I’ll watch a Let’s Play video is if I’m considering buying a video game and I want to see if I’d like it. Otherwise these things are almost as pointless as the Pro Bowl.
17. New Simpsons Episodes
It’s really a shell of its former self, but that’s beating a dead horse at this point. I read somewhere that they’re ending after 30 seasons, but I don’t remember where I heard that or if it’s even true.
I’m all for equal rights for women, believe me. But there are some who take the movement so far that they give a bad name to people who are actually trying to make positive change. I’ve got no issue with feminists. It’s feminazis where I take issue.
19. People Who Don’t Follow Baseball Saying it’s Boring
Baseball can be slow at times, I’ll admit. But if you’re going to bitch about it, you’re not doing anybody a favor. Baseball is a thinking man’s game.
20. People Who Go To Comments Sections to Bitch About How they don’t like a Video or Article or any other Content
Thankfully I have yet to experience such a thing, but I’ll read comments sections for other things and whenever I read someone who says “this sucks,” I think to myself “then why are you watching/reading?” Just don’t consume it, it’s really not that difficult.
This shit almost kept me out of college. It’s pretty much only useful if I want to measure the size of a mountain, which I don’t. I’ll just take peoples’ word for it.
22. NCAA’s Pay-for-Play Issue
Just let the kids do endorsement deals for Christ’s sake. Still not as big a mess as the Pro Bowl, though.
23. Reality TV
Shows like “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” “Jersey Shore,” and “The Bachelor/ette” do almost as much damage to the human brain as the Pro Bowl.
It’s just walking up a hill. I mean I’ll gladly do it if my friends invite me, but it’s pretty low on my to-do list.
25. Any other Sport’s All Star Game
Baseball, basketball, and probably hockey (I wouldn’t know, I’ve never caught an NHL All Star Game) at least have some form of entertainment to them. MLB’s is a traditional baseball game while the NBA’s doesn’t care about defense and players go out of their way to do highlight plays.
And finally, things I’d rather watch the Pro Bowl over.
1. Get Kidney Stones
This is probably my biggest fear. If you gave me the choice of watching hundreds of hours of Pro Bowl footage and never get a kidney stone, or get just one kidney stone and never watch the Pro Bowl, I would choose the former every time.
And that’s it. Let me know what you like better than the Pro Bowl in the comments section below or on Facebook or Twitter @jimwyman10. I’m starting to give up on my Patreon account because none of you are donating to it. Except my dad. Thanks, Dad!